Captain Crunch for Lunch

Data from insights and analytics company InfoScout places the average Cap N Crunch consumer from 2014-2015 as “generally lower income, African American, and upper middle age” (Quaker Cap N Crunch Consumer Insights and Demographics) individuals. I would be remiss to not also point out that a majority of all boxes purchased were bought on Sundays – 18.5%, to be specific. Sunday is a day that is inextricably tied to that of the Lord; I speak of the Lord as the Christian God, for nearly three-fourths of all Americans purport themselves to be Christians. Throw 100 Americans into a room and it will very quickly become that Americans are bullshitters – but this is beside the point. The point is that, on the Sabbath, be it before or after Church – provided anyone still even goes – people are, at minimum 1.6% more likely to buy Cap N Crunch than on any other day. At its maximum rate of preference (Wednesdays), people are 7% more likely to purchase Cap N Crunch. I would be remiss to not notice the correlation; individuals are more likely to purchase Cap N Crunch on the Sabbath as it is then that they are best reminded that one ought to be like Jesus: “Whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked” (1 John 2:6). Be it out of guilt or genuine divine aspiration, the average American finds themselves more moved to purchase a box of Quaker’s most delicious cereal on the sabbath.

But why? The Bible preaches that man ought to “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1-2). And yet, here people are, going out of their ways to purchase the idolatrous cardboard box bearing within it a blue-uniformed naval captain’s eponymous array of corn and oat breakfast cereal? The reasoning is simple and the causality evidentiary; Cap’n Crunch is he who is closest to Jesus (at least, from without the Trinity). I spoke to the late American flavorist and progenitor of Cap N Crunch, Pamela Low, who told me that she had a great deal of creative control over the trusty Cap’n. He was, if I can recall her words accurately (it has been quite a while – this was over 15 years ago), she called him a “designer baby.” He was perfect: he was top of his class at every Presidential fitness examination; he had a genius-level IQ of 200, the highest, she told me, one could be; he was gifted beneath the belt; the list goes on, but he was most certainly the greatest at all that was. The next time you walk past a deep-red box with his beauteous face etched thereupon, think of the Son, for Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch (Nissenbaum) is the closest to Divinity mankind will ever see.

Nissenbaum, Dion (June 19, 2013). “U.S. Navy: No Record of Cap’n Crunch Service”. Wall Street Journal blog, https://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2013/06/19/u-s-navy- no-record-of-capn-crunch-service/
“Quaker Cap N Crunch Consumer Insights and Demographics.” Infoscout.co, infoscout.co/brand/quaker_cap_n_crunch.

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