Eucharistic Horatiatic Postmortem Impermanence

Captain Crunch exists. This is my final stand, both against myself and those around me who would think me as covetously grasping to a fiction. So quick to jump to conclusions, people are; and yet, even in the face of finite, categorical, epistemologically unchallengeable outcomes, people can deny the truth. My friends and colleagues have argued that is exactly what I am doing here, but I think the situation to be quite the opposite; I am not denying the truth—they are. What my friends fail to see, as I once did, is something that I refer to in my “Captain Crunch For Lunch Post”; that is, that the sheer act of believing can bring the nonexistent to existence. Some examples of this, for those (such as my colleagues) who find themselves unable to conceptualize: Stockholm syndrome sufferers; flat earthers; speciesists; natalists; the list goes on, but these examples should suffice to prove that a fiction may very well become one’s reality. It may sound like, to those who have read my previous posts, that I am referring to the existence of Captain Crunch. This could not be farther from the truth—the fiction that these detractors (a group that I now intend to divest myself from) are attempting to make real is thus: Captain Crunch is a falsehood, a set of “idolatrous images emblazoned on the wonderfully delicious corn and oat breakfast cereal.” These words are my own, and come from my first post; these are words that now, in hindsight, I find idiotic and debasing. With the passing of Daws Butler (the original voice of our beloved Horatio Magellan Crunch) came the death of the original Captain Crunch. In some twist of Transubstantial fate, however, the Captain lives on. Much as is the case in the Eucharist (wherein Eucharistic elements—one’s bread and wine—become the body and blood of Christ), one’s bowl of Cap’n Crunch becomes Captain Crunch as they undergo their eating ritual. And so, Horatio is alive—and is in every single piece, every bite, every savored meal of Captain Crunch. I hope that this piece will serve to enlighten my readers and colleagues alike, as I have been so enlightened.

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