Mayor Crunch?

Further inspection of our Crunch memoirs has revealed that the good Captain once held political office. Not only that, but he held one of the more prestigious offices in the world: Mayor of Flavortown, USA.

Normally, people associate celebrity food critic and chef Guy Fieri as the Mayor of Flavortown, but that has not always been the case.

guy fieri laughing

In fact, the first Mayor of Flavortown was Mayor McCheese. However, he was soon impeached after what is now known as “Beefgate,” a scandal about how Mayor McCheese’s burger was actually artificial and not 100% beef. The whistle blower on this scandal later turned out to be Dave Thomas’ daughter Wendy. Under the pen-name “Deep Baconator” she coined the phrase “Where’s the beef?” that would be McCheese’s downfall.

mayor-mccheese

After McCheese was removed from office, the seat was left vacant. Crunch ran for the vacant seat virtually unopposed; any candidate that was running dropped out as soon as Crunch threw his name into the hat, knowing they would lose to the naval captain’s experience in politics taught to him by his adopted father, and former US President, John F. Kennedy.

Crunch put Flavortown on the map during his time in office. Literally. Cartographers seemed to always leave out Flavortown when making maps of the US. Crunch changed that by marketing a special type of his world-famous Crunchberries that were only sold in Flavortown. Almost overnight, visitors from all over were popping up in the city. All kinds of diners, drive-ins, and even dive bars opened up as well. This gave Flavortown its current reputation as “flavor capital of the world.”

However, Mr. Fieri, always looking at Crunch’s achievements from the outside, thought he could do better. And so he set out to dethrone the incumbent in the next election.

Guy Fieri looking through window
Guy Fieri (right) looking at Crunch’s head adviser, Dr. Samuel Martinez (left), being interviewed by CNN (1986, colorized)

Crunch stuck to his “oops, all tax cuts” (for new restaurants) platform again, but it wasn’t enough to beat future Mayor Fieri’s smear campaign against Crunch’s cereal. The mudslinging was focused on the fact that Crunch’s cereal cut the roof of your mouth. While obviously not true (and later officially discredited), Crunch’s campaign could not survive the onslaught of slander against his once proud name.

Despite the political loss, Crunch was able to almost immediately rebound and lead a life of success in every other field imaginable. Mainly breakfast cereals.

Guy Fieri has since ran for Mayor unopposed each election, since Fieri implemented a law limiting the number of candidates per election to one.

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